Daily Mail wants to keep Nigerian criminals in Britain

In a surprising U-turn, The Daily Mail said today that instead of being sent back where they came from, Nigerian criminals should remain in Britain to take your job and rob your house.

Confusion erupted as the newspaper more commonly associated with its pro- 'put-them-all-on-the-first-banana-boat-back-to-Africa' stance on immigration also decided it would rather spend more taxpayers' money keeping brown nogoodniks here than save cash by helping to build a dedicated facility in some far-off African land where they could be pleasantly forgotten about.

Currently there are around 400 Nigerian convicts festering in UK jails who can't be deported thanks to absurd EU laws designed to protect their 'human rights'. Amnesty International claims that the country's jail conditions are 'appalling' and extraditions could be successfully fought by arguing conditions are inhumane.

But proposals from the the UK Border Agency would see 400 criminals relocated to a 'comfortable' purpose built facility costing the British taxpayer a staggering £1million. Female chief executive Lin Homer claims that the deal to work alongside African authorities in constructing a prison with 'acceptable' standards would actually save money by stemming a drain on British penal resources. The cost of keeping prisoners in UK cells is £30,000 per year - or £12million per year for a job lot of 400 Nigerians.

Completely ignoring the £11million pound saving to be made, Matthew Elliott of the TaxPayers' Alliance hooted: 'It's an absolute scandal that British taxpayers may foot the bill for a Nigerian prison', before scurrying back under his limpet encrusted rock in a crab-like fashion to look for detritus to feed on.

A confused local man said: 'This is outrageous political correctness gone bonkers. If anything, we should be encouraging more Nigerians to come here to sleep with our wives and claim benefits. I think it's disgraceful that the Government is spending less money while simultaneously easing the strain on our overcrowded jails - especially at the height of a recession. Additionally, I wish the BBC would increase the licence fee.'

Yet another woman cries rape as crazed wife tries to murder disabled husband

Men were warned last night to exercise caution when dealing with women, after a spate of false rape claims, attempted murders and suspected regicides.

Gary Wood of Walker, Newcastle was thrown into jail for almost three hours after psychotic fantasist Natalie Jefferson viciously accused him of rape. Newcastle Crown Court heard how Jefferson, of Fellgate, South Tyneside, agreed to meet Mr Wood in Newcastle's Gateshead before going for a drink in nearby Jesmond. Later the same evening, Mr Wood was confronted by police officers who explained that his date had cried rape and that he stood to have his life ruined because of her claims. Thankfully, Mr Wood was released without charge after detectives saw through Jefferson's pernicious womanly lies.

The case follows a string of other single women, too busy drinking and working to have children and marry, who have falsely accused innocent men of rape. Experts estimate that cries of rape probably outnumber actual rapes, where the 'victim' was probably asking for it anyway, by a certain amount, maybe.

In another chilling incident, womens' weakness for money was highlighted as Chelmsford Crown Court heard how openly female mother-of-three Tracey Roffey tried to suffocate her wheelchair-bound husband after learning insurers would pay a six-figure sum if he died. Not satisfied with a husband and three children, Roffey is understood to have been motivated by the prospect of a potential £350,000 insurancepayout which it is thought she planned on using to buy ear-rings, necklaces and other woman things.

The attempted murder follows the trial of a jealous Australian woman accused of setting fire to her husband's genitals after seeing him with another woman, and the wife who paid hitmen to assassinate her husband, before running him over in a 4x4 when the hit failed.

A local man said: 'Rape and murder have always been traditionally male crimes and now these womens are taking even that away from us. I can't even remember the last time I read about an actual rape in the paper - you can't leave your house these days without being accused of a sex crime by a binge-drinking high flying female lawyer. It's feminism gone mad.'

The tyranny of the gay agenda

Iain Duncan Smith and his band of super Tories at the Centre for Social Justice are to issue a report which will shape Conservative policy on the family. It is widely expected to put the God-given sanctity of marriage at the heart of family life, make divorce more difficult and promote marriage preparation classes and 'family relationship centres', as well as tax breaks for married couples.

Hooray!

The report comes not a minute too late, following countless years of social engineering designed by Labour to do nothing but obliterate traditional familial values of a mother, father and two children sitting round a stone fireplace telling ripping tales of Grandad's adventures in the Great War.

Four decades of allowing the liberal intelligentsia of both the right and the Left free reign to undo the seams of the nuclear family under the multicoloured banners of so-called 'freedom', 'equality' and 'queerity' have wreaked untold havoc upon Britain. Is it any coincidence that we find ourselves entrenched in the worst recession since the early twentieth century just as David Cameron, or General Pinkochet as he is known in some circles, apologises for Section 28?

High Court judge Sir Paul Coleridge recently observed that family courts are groaning under the weight of cases involving damaged, miserable or disturbed children. In the glory days of yesteryear, when homosexuality was still punishable by a good spanking and a day in the stocks, family courts were of course full of smiley carefree youngsters, untroubled by the uncertainty of when daddy would return from Hampstead Heath or why mummy was wearing trousers and a string vest.

And yet, for years, anyone who drew attention to the fact that gays were ruining the Earth and upsetting Jesus was pilloried as a bigot who wanted to turn back the clock to some mythical golden age. 'Waiting for a real rain to come?', they would sneer at me as I'd snort coffee into my newspaper with rage at the licentiousness of a hotpant wearing pair of queens sashaying past, flaunting their selfish lifestyle choices for all to see.

But those queens have become a symbol for the erosion of family values against a backdrop of family breakdown.

The ConservaTories' admirable desire to restore the holy union of marriage to the rightful centre-piece of the British family is sadly undermined by their suspiciously flamboyant leader's recognition and, indeed, support for 'gay rights'.

A liberal society should be tolerant of gay people – just as it should tolerate the disabled, the obese, and spiders.

But, unrestrained, tolerance can go too far. Surely society would crumble if it were to allow raging homosexuals the same rights as non-perverts; imagine your horror if, for example, you discovered your young son’s favourite teacher was gay, or a lesbian was driving your taxi.

Cameron's apology last week for the Tories' brave attempts to stop lunatic lefty councils distributing gay propaganda in schools provoked widespread scorn - including the gays themselves, who saw it as political posturing to win the fabulous vote.

The truth about the 'gay rights' agenda is that it aims not just to promote acceptance, but actively encourages the idea that gay is preferable to straight; that 'different' is better than 'normal' and 'wrong' righter than 'right'.

Militant gays claim that 'lifestyle choice' means gay relationships should be treated identically to heterosexual ones.

But the core reason for family breakdown is precisely the view that marriage is merely a 'relationship' for people to choose or not from a menu of destructive alternative lifestyles.

It is not, and here Cameron's absurd fruit-baiting tolerance falls apart. If he were to truly believe in the peerless position of marriage as the best choice for loving families, he would legislate against the amoral 'relationship choices' vying for support against it. Heterosexual couples in a relationship for longer than two years need to be told to stop pussy footing around and tie the knot, while a stern message needs to be sent to the gays to just stop it altogether.

Their vicious selfishness, which manifests itself in the first degree by denying billions of perfectly viable sperm the right to become cared for children in a nuclear family, similarly denies thousands of quite decent women the right to a husband. Thus, homosexuality's assault on the family is two-fold.

Of course, I'm no intolerant, hate-filled, bile-mongering homophobe, but I sense much truth in the words of the Bishop of Rochester, Dr Michael Nazir-Ali, who has called upon homosexuals to 'repent and be changed'.

I'll leave you with this mind-puncturingly logical argument: since Christianity holds that sexual relations should be restricted to a man and a woman inside marriage, aren't those who promote homosexuality and alternative relationship choices upholding their own intolerant doctrine?

And you can't argue with a Bishop can you?

Mail readers: 'Hitler wasn't all bad you know'

Fury erupted today after F1 squillionaire Bernie 'Grumpy' Ecclestone attempted to pass off the Daily Mail's political ideals as his own.

The 78 year old racing tyrant criticised modern politicians as 'weak' and praised fellow dictator Adolf Hitler's ability to 'get things done'.

'In a lot of ways, terrible to say this I suppose, but apart from the fact that Hitler got taken away and persuaded to do things that I have no idea whether he wanted to or not, he was in the way that he could command a lot of people, able to get things done,' he said.

Ecclestone suggested that Ady H was simply misunderstood and tricked into genocide by bigger boys: 'In the end he got lost, so he wasn't a very good dictator because either he had all these things and knew what was going on and insisted, or he just went along with it... so either way he wasn't a dictator.'

He also blamed democracy itself for failing the modern world: 'It hasn't done a lot of good for many countries - including this one,' he said without a shred of irony.

Not content excusing just one of history's greatest villains, the 2ft tall Formula 1 despot went on to praise other ridiculously evil 20th Century icons of wickedness: 'We did a terrible thing when we supported the idea of getting rid of Saddam Hussein. He was the only one who could control that country. It was the same with the Taliban.'

Mail commenters agreed with Darth Ecclestone's perfectly rational sentiments; Jake from London brushed aside Hitler's murder of countless millions of people, and instead celebrated the Fuhrer's bang-on social and economic policies and fight against Communism, whilst justifying the Holocaust:

Les Blakeman from Lakenheath agreed that democracy is little more than corruption waiting to happen and that dictatorships are the way to go, while basement-dwelling professor of Greek language M.O. from London dissected the word itself and came to a chilling conclusion:

Meanwhile, John from Halton nodded sagely in agreement with the Saddam apologism, and Fernando from Vilamoura kept his empathy with Ecclestone's pro-genocidal dictator musings simple:


But the award for best comment of the day went to owner of eye-buggeringly awful website and fan of national socialism BNP supporter Councillor Chris Cooke, who, in a rambling and confused post, praised Hitler's efficiency and ballsy 'to hell with the consequences!' attitude, compared the Nazi leader with the world's greatest Mongol, described David Cameron as a 'Pinko' and suggested that Oswald Moseley's son would be a better Prime Minister than any Labourite political figure (or something):

Mail in Hay-something Island double fail

Remember the chap who won 'The Best Job in the World' - a £70,000 caretaker position looking after a tropical island paradise, whose only responsibility was to make sure cute widdle turtle hatchlings got to the ocean safely?

Well he's only got one of those Twitters hasn't he?

And get this - the idiot only went and wrote on his Twitter 'leaving the chefs table and chocolate room on Hayward Island after a stunning gastronomic presentation.’

Ha, idiot! As everyone knows, it's not Hayward Island, it's Hayman Island! What an idiot. Hahahaha!

You'd have to be a real moron to get a simple fact like that wrong wouldn't you?

Especially if you were a national newspaper with a circulation of two and a half million and your sneering at somebody getting a name wrong.

* Update *

Also, this - the triple fail: Angry Mob

Daily Mail to merge with Closer magazine

Closer, the celebrity gossip magazine aimed at the vacuous and shallow, has acquired The Daily Mail, the newspaper aimed at the angry and white, in a deal analysts have described as 'unholy'.

The Mail will be distributed as a four page bound insert in the centre of Closer, and will concentrate on reporting press releases from Migrationwatch and The TaxPayer's Alliance, as well as providing useful tips on how to stay heterosexual in summer. A spokesman said: 'Four pages is more than enough now we're not carrying celeb stories about how fat Lily Allen is on our main pages. Readers will be able to flick through the mag for that, while we can focus on the fear and loathing. It's just easier this way.'

News of the merger will come as no surprise to regular Mail readers, who have become used to finding as many as 60% of stories sourced from the glossy idiot rag. It is thought that mailonline.co.uk, the newspaper's online internet website, has been running at a 10:1 Closer/actual news ratio.

In June, The Mail based pieces about Sophie Anderton's 'new curves', Kerry Katona's fall from the wagon, Anna Friel's insomnia, Jessie Wallace's diet, Chantelle's non-diet, a fat insomniac, a woman who looks like Jordan, a woman who looks like Britney, a man who had a face transplant, a bloke who found a girlfriend on Twitter,and Posh Spice's spots, on 'articles originally appearing in Closer'.

Crusading Muslim fanatics forcibly convert white cherub

Everybody knows that Islam only permits brown people with beards to worship Allah and live in Mosques.


But, as this chilling image shows, fanatic Islamist Muslims have already begun Islamicising WHITE people like you - and even innocent young children like terrified Sean, 11, pictured here being hypnotized by hate mesmer Anjem Choudhary.

Whispering silver-tongued incantations of terror into the bewildered child's ear, Sean appears enraptured by the militant preacher as a frighteningly hatted extremist looks on wide-eyed, ready to prevent an attempted escape with his barbed claws [not shown].

The presumably enforced conversion was filmed during a possibly violent demonstration by Choudary's Ahlus Sunnah Wal Jama'ah group in Birmingham earlier this month.

Choudary, 42, masterminded the massive organised protests at a homecoming parade of heroic British soldiers in Luton earlier this year, during which as many as 20 fanatics shouted slogans such as 'Butchers of Basra' and 'Booo!'

After brainwashing young Sean, the contraversial preacher hissed: 'The child was genuinely interested in Islam. He told us he wanted to become a Muslim and, of course, some people are intellectually more mature than they are physically.'

An onlooker said: 'It was horrible to see a white child considering non-Christian religions. Mind you, he did look like a bit of a chav, what with the cap and all - maybe a bit of Islam will sort him out.'